I was reading through all my past blog posts and I came across this poem that I had posted over a year ago. This poem is even more true then it was before, as Shaun and I struggle to get pregnant and find the comfort we need to make it through this when we want to start a family so much. I have learned that the world doesn't stop turning just because one person has a problem, life goes on, friends close to you get pregnant and have children, and their families grow, and although I feel joy and excitement for them on this very new and exciting journey, often I can't help but feel the pain of our two losses and our unsuccessful attempts to get pregnant recently. I do feel as though my world is turning, but ever so slowly. I am eager to find out what the purpose of this wait is. I sit here watching my cousin who is now 5 months. She started her journey on this earth too early, yet she was strong and she is a fighter and she is growing more and more beautiful everyday. I love looking into her eyes and seeing such amazing innocence as the veil is still very thin for her, and she is so much closer to our Father in Heaven than the rest of us. I can not wait for the moment when I get to hold my precious baby and thank Heavenly Father for such an amazing blessing, as our fight for a family has not been easy. I can not wait to see that same innocence in my child's eyes.
Wait
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, 'Child, you must wait'.
'Wait? You say, wait! ' my indignant reply.
'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
and grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting.... for what?'
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT.'
Here is to a successful February, and if not this month, our fight will still not be over... :)
